| CARY ELWES | WESTLEY |
| ROBIN WRIGHT | BUTTERCUP |
| MANDY PATINKIN | INIGO |
| CHRIS SARANDON | PRINCE HUMPERDINCK |
| CHRISTOPHER GUEST | COUNT RUGEN |
| WALLACE SHAWN | VIZZINI |
| ANDRE THE GIANT | FEZZIK |
| FRED SAVAGE | THE KID |
| PETER FALK | THE GRANDFATHER |
| PETER COOK | IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN |
| CAROL KANE | VALERIE |
| MEL SMITH | ALBINO |
| BILLY CRYSTAL | MIRACLE MAX |
lying in bed, coughing. Pale, one sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down.
His room is monochromatic, greys and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs.
The Kid's MOTHER as she enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kissses him, and briefly feels his forehead. She's worried, it doesn't show. During this
--You feeling any better?
A little bit.
Guess what.
What?
Your grandfather's here.
Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?
You are sick, that's why he's here.
He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
The Kid shoots her an "I'm sure" look, as we
THE KID'S GRANDFATHER bursting into the room. Kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to The Kid, pinches his cheek.
Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?
The Kid gives his Mother an "I told you so" look. The Mother ignores it, beats a retreat.
I think I'll leave you two pals.
I brought you a special present.
What is it?
Open it up.
The Kid does. He does his best to smile.
A book?
That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Has it got any sports in it?
Suddenly passionate.
Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles.
THE TWO OF THEM as the Grandfather sits in a chair by the bed.
It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right.
The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.
The story he's reading about, as the monochromatic look of the bedroom is replaced by the dazzling color of the English countryside.
Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that.
Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Yeah. It's really good.
Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
BUTTERCUP is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, WESTLEY, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Buttercup is in her late teens; doesn't care much about clothes and she hates brushing her long hair, so she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's still probably the most beautiful woman in the world.
Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
As you wish.
Westley is perhaps half a dozen years older than Buttercup. And maybe as handsome as she is beautiful. He gazes at her as she walks away.
"As you wish" was all he ever said to her.
WESTLEY, outside, chopping wood. Buttercup drops two large buckets near him.
Farm Boy. Fill these with water --
--please.
As you wish.
She leaves; his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him.
That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."
Westley enters with an armload of firewood.
And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher.
He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes.
As you wish.
WESTLEY AND BUTTERCUP, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss.
-hold it, hold it-
What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book?
-- wait, just wait --
-- well, when does it get good?
Keep your shirt on. Let me read.
Westley had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea.
They stand near the gate to the farm, locked in an embrace.
It was a very emotional time for Buttercup --
I don't be-leeve this.
I fear I'll never see you again.
Of course you will.
But what if something happens to you?
Hear this now: I will come for you.
But how can you be sure?
This is true love. You think this happens every day?
He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Westley walks away, Buttercup watches him go.
Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered --
-- murdered by pirates is good --
CLOSE UP: Buttercup, staring out the window of her room.
She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.
I will never love again.
HOLD ON HER FACE, perfect and perfectly sad.
The main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace.
Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to be.
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK, a man of incredible power and bearing, standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an OLD COUPLE with crowns, the aging KING AND QUEEN, and a dark bearded man who seems the Prince's match in strength: this is COUNT RUGEN.
My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves --(pause)
-- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?
And the answering YESSSS booms like summer thunder.
A giant staircase leading to the CROWD and as a FIGURE just begins to become visible,
THE CROWD, as they see the figure. (We haven't yet.) And if there is such a thing as collective action, then this crowd, collectively, holds its breath.
THE STAIRCASE, as the figure appears in the archway. It is Buttercup. And she resplendent.
My people ... the Princess Buttercup!!
She descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people.
THE CROWD, and they do a very strange thing: with no instruction at all, they suddenly go to their knees. Great waves of people kneeling and --
BUTTERCUP, terribly moved. She stands immobile among her subjects, blinking back tears. HOLD on her beauty for a moment.
Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
-- and Buttercup, barreling along, controlling her horse easily.
Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
Lovely, quiet, deserted. Buttercup suddenly reins in.
A word, my lady?
THREE MEN, standing close together in the path. Beyond them can be seen the waters of Florin Channel. The three men are not your everyday commuter types. Standing in front is a tiny man with the most angelic face. He is Sicilian and his name is VIZZINI. Beside him is a Spaniard, erect and taut as a blade ofsteel. His name is INIGO MONTOYA. Beside him is a giant. His name is FEZZIK.
We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
There is nothing nearby; not for miles.
Then there will be no one to hear you scream-
He nods to the giant, Fezzik, who merely reaches over, touches a nerve on Buttercup's neck, and the start of a scream is all she manages -- unconsciousness comes that fast. As she starts to fall --
A sailboat is moored. It's dusk now, shadows are long. Inigo, the Spaniard, busies himself getting the boat ready.
The giant Fezzik carries Buttercup, unconscious, on board.
Vizzini rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucks them along the saddle of Buttercup's horse. There is about the entire operation a sense of tremendous skill and precision.
What is that you're ripping?
It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.
Who's Guilder?
The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin.
Go!
The horse takes off. They start for the boat.
Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini hops onto the boat.
I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.
I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.
I agree with FEZZIK.
Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her --
And remember this -- never forget this --
INIGO AND FEZZIK, as Vizzini advances on them. Nothing shows on Inigo's face, but FEZZIK is panicked by Vizzini.
-- when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy --
-- and you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greenland?
Vizzini glares at him, then turns, leaves them.
During this, Inigo has gone close to FEZZIK, who is very distressed at the insults he's just received. As Inigo casts off.
That Vizzini, he can fuss.
... fuss ... fuss ...
I think he likes to scream at us.
Probably he means no harm.
He's really very short on charm.
Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.
Yes, some of the time.
Enough of that.
As they sail off, we hear their voices as the boat recedes.
FEZZIK, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Anybody want a peanut?
As Vizzini screams we:
Inigo is at the helm, FEZZIK stands near the body of the princess, whose eyelids flutter slightly -- or do they? Vizzini sits motionless. The waves are higher, there are only occasional flashes of moon slanting down between clouds.
We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn.
Inigo nods, glances back.
Why are you doing that?
Making sure nobody's following us.
That would be inconceivable.
Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini turns a cold eye on the Princess.
Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.
Inigo keeps staring behind them.
Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over-
You're sure nobody's following us?
As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.
What?
And suddenly the three whirl, stare back and as they do --
It's hard to see; the moon is behind clouds now. But the wind whistles. And the waves pound. And suddenly it's all gone ominous.
INGIO, FEZZIK, AND VIZZINI squinting back, trying desperately to see. At this moment, they are all holding their breaths.
And there's still nothing to be seen. It's still ominous. Only now it's eerie too.
Then --
The moon slips through and --
Inigo was right -- something is very much there. A sailboat. Black. With a great billowing sail. Black. It's a good distance behind them, but it's coming like hell, closing the gap.
staring at the other boat.
Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters.
And now as a sound comes from their boat they turn as we
BUTTERCUP, diving into the water, starting to swim away.
and Vizzini screaming.
Go in, get after her!
I don't swim.
I only dog paddle.
Veer left. Left. Left!
still close to the boat, switching from a crawl to a silent breast stroke. The wind dies and as it does, something new is heard. A not-too-distant high-pitched shrieking sound. Buttercup stops suddenly, treads water.
Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels -- if you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh.
BUTTERCUP, treading water, still not far from the boat. The shrieking sounds are getting louder and more terrifying. Buttercup stays silent.
If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from the Eels.
BUTTERCUP, and she's a gutsy girl. The shrieking sound is louder still, but she doesn't make a sound. Behind her now, something dark and gigantic slithers past.
She's scared, sure, petrified, who wouldn't be, but she makes no reply --
-- and now a SHRIEKING EEL has zeroed in on her --
-- and now she sees it, a short distance away, circling, starting to close --
-- and Buttercup is frozen, trying not to make a movement of any kind --
-- and the Eel slithers closer, closer --
-- and Buttercup knows it now, there's nothing she can do, it's over, all over --
-- and now the Eel opens its mouth wide, and it's never made such a noise, and as its great jaws are about to clamp down --
She doesn't get eaten by the Eels at this time.
And the second we hear him:
The Kid looks the same, pale and weak, but maybe he's gripping the sheets a little too tightly with his hands.
What?
The Eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Well, I wasn't nervous.His Grandfather says nothing, just waits.
Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing.
Because I can stop now if you want.
No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want.
"Do you know what that sound is, Highness?"
We're back in the boat.
Those are the Shrieking Eels.
We're past that, Grandpa.
You read it already.
Oh. Oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.
treading water.
All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then -
And we're back where we were at the last moment we saw her, Buttercup frozen, the Shrieking Eel, jaws wide, about to clamp down as we
pounding the Eel unconscious in one move, then easily lifting Buttercup.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
The boat and FEZZIK, Buttercup being deposited on the deck.
Put her down. Just put her down.
pointing behind them.
I think he's getting closer.
Vizzini, tying Buttercup's hands.
He's no concern of ours. Sail on!
I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Only compared to some.
The boat at dawn, being followed closely by the black sailboat, which we can see for the first time is being sailed by a MAN IN BLACK, and his boat almost seems to be flying.
Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.
Whoever he is, he's too late --
-- see?
The Cliffs of Insanity.
And once he's said the name,
They rise straight up, sheer from the water, impossibly high.
in a wild race for the Cliffs and the Man In Black is closing faster than ever, but not fast enough, the lead was too great to overcome, and as Inigo sails with great precision straight at the Cliffs
being pursued.
Hurry up. Move the thing! Um ... that other thing. Move it!
We're safe -- only FEZZIK is strong enough to go up our way -- he'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor.
There is much activity going on, all of it swift, expert, economical. FEZZIK reaches up along the Cliff face, grabs a jutting rock, reaches behind it. Suddenly there is a thick rope in his hands. He drops back to the boat, gives the rope a freeing swing and
The rope goes all the way to the top.
hurrying to FEZZIK. He straps a harness to him, then lifts Buttercup and Vizzini in the harness. Finally, he himself gets in the harness. All three are strapped to FEZZIK like papooses.
And he starts to ascend the rope, carrying them all along with him as he goes.
THE MAN IN BLACK, sailing in toward the Cliffs of Insanity, watching as FEZZIK rises swiftly through the first moments of dawn.
FEZZIK'S GROUP is only faintly visible far below. This is the first time we've gotten the real vertigo feeling and it's a gasper.
FEZZIK CLIMBING ON. Buttercup is almost out of her mind with fear.
FEZZIK is moving right along; however high they are, he's already over a third of the way done.
leaping from his ship to the rope, starting to climb. He's impossibly far behind, but the way he goes you'd think he didn't know that because he is flying up the rope, hand over hand like lightning.
He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
Inconceivable!
He prods FEZZIK, who nods, increases his pace.
roaring up the rope, and
-- and the Man In Black is cutting deeply into FEZZIK's lead.
Faster!
I thought I was going faster.
You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains.
Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself.
-- I do not accept excuses.
I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Don't say that, Vizzini. Please.
And his arms begin moving much more slowly.
His arms still work as before. If anything, he has speeded up. FEZZIK's lead is smaller and smaller
Maybe a hundred feet for FEZZIK to go. Maybe more.
Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
less than a hudred feet behind them. And gaining.
Vizzini leaps off and takes out a knife, begins to cut the rope which is tied around a great rock while Inigo helps the Princess to her feet and FEZZIKjust stands around, waiting for someone to tell him to do something. Nearby are some stone ruins. Once they might have been a fort, now the kind of resemble Stonehenge.
75 feet from the top now, maybe less -- maybe only 50 -- and his pace is as dazzling as before, and
cutting through the last of the rope and
slithering across the ground and out of sight toward the Channel, like some great serpent at last going home.
standing with Inigo and Buttercup by the cliff edge.
He has very good arms.
hanging suspended hundreds of feet in the air, holding to the jagged rocks, desperately trying to cling to life.
stunned, turning to the others, looking down.
He didn't fall? Inconceivable!!
You keep using that word -- I do not think it means what you think it means.
My God! He's climbing.
and so he is. Very slowly, he is picking his way upwards, sometimes a foot at a time, sometimes an inch.
The group at the top, staring down.
Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die.
You, carry her.
We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Inigo nods.
I want to duel him left-handed.
You know what a hurry we're in.
Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right -- tch -- over too quickly.
Oh, have it your way.
still creeping his way upward.
who goes to Inigo.
You be careful.
-- people in masks cannot be trusted.
I'm waiting!
FEZZIK nods, hurries after Vizzini.
He watches them depart, then turns, peers down over the Cliffs. He watches a moment, then paces, shaking his hands loose. He practices a few of his honed fencing skills. He is a taut and nervous fellow, and has never been one for waiting around.
climbing on. He must be six inches closer to the top than when last we saw him. Inigo is watching.
walking away. Finally he goes back to cliff edge, starts to talk. It's instant death if the Man In Black falls, but neither gives that possibility much credence. This is our two heroes meeting. They don't know it yet; but that's what it is.
Hello there.
The Man In Black glances up, kind of grunts.
Slow going?
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Inigo steps away, draws his sword, loosens up with a few perfect thrusts. Then resheathes and looks eagerly over the edge again.
I do not suppose you could speed things up?
If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do.
I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
That does put a damper on our relationship.
But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.
No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
And he just hangs there in space, resting, gathering his strength.
You don't know any way you'll trust me?
Nothing comes to mind.
And on these words, CAMERA ZOOMS into a CLOSE UP on Inigo. He raises his right hand high, his eyes blaze, and his voice takes on a tone we have not heard before.
I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
There is a pause. Then, quietly:
Throw me the rope.
He dashes to the giant rock the rope was originally tied to.
as his grip loosens a moment, trying to cling to the side of the cliff.
now with a small coil of rope, hurries back to the edge and hurls it over --
It hangs close to the Man In Black. He releases the rocks, grabs the rope, hangs helplessly in space a moment, then looks up at Inigo and --
straining, forcing his body away from the cliff edge and --
rising through the early morning light, slowly, steadily, and as the cliff top at last comes within reach --
watching as the Man In Black crawls to safety, then looks to Inigo.
Thank you.
We'll wait until you're ready.
Again. Thank you.
The Man In Black sits to rest on the boulder that once held the rope. He tugs off his leather boots and is amazed to see several large rocks tumble out. The Man In Black wears gloves. Inigo stares at them.
I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
He glances up -- the question clearly baffles him.
Do you always begin conversations this way?
My father was slaughtered by a six- fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.
He hands his sword to the Man In Black.
I have never seen its equal.
Even now, this still brings pain.
The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel ... I failed ... the six-fingered man did leave me alive with the six-fingered sword, but he gave me these.
How old were you?
I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
You've done nothing but study swordplay?
More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday.
You are ready, then?
Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Begin!
And on that word --
And what we are starting now is one of the two greatest sword fights in modern movies (the other one happens later on), and right from the beginning it looks different.
Because they aren't close to each other -- none of the swords-crossing "en garde" garbage.
No, what we have here is two men, two athletes, and they look to be too faraway to damage each other, but each time one makes even the tiniest feint, the other counters, and there is silence, and as they start to circle --
feinting here, feinting there and --
finished teasing, begin to duel in earnest.
Their swords cross, then again, again, and the sound comes so fast it's almost continual. Inigo presses on, the Man In Black retreating up a rocky incline.
You're using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?
I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain --
Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro --
And he shifts his style now.
-- naturally --
--but I find Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?
The Man In Black is now perched at the edge of the elevated castle ruin. No where to go, he jumps to the sand. Inigo stares down at him.
Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa-
And now, with the grace of an Olympian, Inigo flies off the perch, somersaults clean over the Man In Black's head, and lands facing his opponent.
-- which I have.
The two men are almost flying across the rocky terrain, never losing balance, never coming close to stumbling; the battle rages with incredible finesse, first one and then the other gaining the advantage, and by now, it's clear that this isn't just two athletes going at it, it's a lot more that that. This is two legendary swashbucklers and they're in their prime, it's Burt Lancaster in "The Crimson Pirate" battling Errol Flynn in "Robin Hood" and then, incredibly, the action begins going even faster than before as we
And behind him now, drawing closer all the time, is the deadly edge of the Cliffs of Insanity. Inigo fights and ducks and feints and slashes and it all works, but not for long, as gradually the Man In Black keeps the advantage, keeps forcing Inigo back, closer and closer to death.
You are wonderful!
Thank you -- I've worked hard to become so.
The Cliff edge is very close now. Inigo is continually being forced toward it.
I admit it -- you are better than I am.
Then why are you smiling?
Inches from defeat, Inigo is, in fact, all smiles.
Because I know something you don't know.
And what is that?
I am not left-handed.
And he throws the six-fingered sword into his right hand and immediately, the tide of battle turns.
stunned, doing everything be can to keep Inigo by the Cliff edge. But no use. Slowly at first, he begins to retreat. Now faster, Inigo is in control and the Man In Black is desperate.
And the six-fingered sword is all but invisible now, as he increases his attack, then suddenly switches styles again.
A ROCKY STAIRCASE leading to a turret-shaped plateau, and the Man In Black is retreating like mad up the steps and he can't stop Inigo -- nothing can stop Inigoo -- and in a frenzy, the Man In Black makes every feint, tries every thrust, lets go with all he has left. But he fails. Everything fails. He tries one or two final desperate moves but they are nothing.
You're amazing!
I ought to be after twenty years.
And now the Man In Black is smashed into a stone pillar, pinned there under the six fingered sword.
There's something I ought to tell you.
Tell me.
I am not left-handed either.
And now he changes hands, and at last, the battle is fully joined.
And to his amazement, he is being forced back down the steps. He tries one style, another, but it all comes down to the same thing -- the Man In Black seems to be in control. And before Inigo knows it, the six-fingered sword is knocked clear out of his hand.
Inigo retreats, dives from the stairs to a moss-covered bar suspended over the archway. He swings out, lands, and scrambles to his sword and we
who watches Inigo, then casually tosses his sword to the landing where it sticks in perfectly. Then the Man In Black copies INIGO. Not copies exactly, improves. He dives to the bar, swings completely over it like a circus performer and dismounts with a 9.7 backflip.
staring in awe.
Who are you?!
No one of consequence.
I must know.
Get used to disappointment.
Okay.
moving like lightning, and he thrusts forward, slashes, darts back, all in almost a single movement and --
Dodging, blocking, and again he thrusts forward, faster even than before, and again he slashes but --
And there is never a move anyone makes he doesn't remember, and this time he blocks the slash, slashes out himself with the six-fingered sword.
On it goes, back and forth across the rocky terrain, Inigo's feet moving with the grace and speed of a great improvisational dancer.
as it is knocked free, arching up into the air, and --
catching it again. And something terrible is written behind his eyes: he has given his all, done everything man can do, tried every style, made every maneuver, but it wasn't enough, and on his face for all to see is the realization that he, Inigo Montoya of Spain, is going to lose.
sent flying from Inigo's grip. He stands helpless only a moment. Then be drops to his knees, bows his head, shuts his eyes.
Kill me quickly.
I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either --
And he dunks Inigo's head with his heavy sword handle. Inigo pitches forward unconscious.
Please understand, I hold you in the highest respect.
He grabs his scabbard and takes off after the Princess and we
Inconceivable!
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Vizzini, staring down from a narrow mountain path, as far below the Man In Black can be seen running. FEZZIK, carrying the Princess, stands alongside. It's a little later in the morning.
Give her to me.
Catch up with us quickly.
What do I do?
Finish him, finish him. Your way.
Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini.
Which way is my way?
Nothing gigantic. Vizzini points to them. There is a large boulder nearby.
Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock!
As Vizzini and Buttercup hurry away.
My way's not very sportsmanlike.
He grabs one of the rocks and plods behind the boulder and we --
racing up the mountain trail. Ahead is a bend in the trail. He sees it, slows. Then he stops, listening.
Satisfied by the silence, he starts forward again and as he rounds the bend -- a rock flies INTO FRAME, shattering on a boulder inches in front of him.
He moves into the mountain path. He has picked up another rock and holds it lightly.
I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
I believe you -- So what happens now?
We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?
I could kill you now.
He gets set to throw, but the Man In Black shakes his head, takes off his sword and scabard, begins the approach toward the Giant.
Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
He flips the rock away.
The Man In Black is not now and has never been a shrimp. But it's like he wasn't even there, FEZZIK towers over him so much.
There is a moment's pause, and then the Man In Black dives at FEZZIK's chest, slams him several tremendous blows in the stomach, twists his arm severely, slips skillfully into a beautifully applied bear hug, and in general makes any number of terrific wrestling moves.
FEZZIK just stands there, kind of taking in the scenery. Finally the Man In Black pushes himself away, stares up at the Giant.
Look are you just fiddling around with me or what?
I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.
They get set to begin again. Then suddenly --
You're quick.
And a good thing too.
Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that?
Oh no. It's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.
FEZZIK considers this a moment, then attacks, and if he moved quickly last time, this time he is blinding and as the Man In Black slips down to avoid the charge, FEZZIK moves right with him, only instead of twisting free and jumping to his feet, this time the Man In Black jumps for FEZZIK's back and in a moment he is riding him, and his arms have FEZZIK's throat, locked across FEZZIK's windpipe, one in front, one behind. The Man In Black begins to squeeze. Tighter.
I just figured out why you give me so much trouble.
Why is that, do you think?
Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing.
Why should that make such a difference?
Well ...
... you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one.
Again FEZZIK slams the Man In Black against a boulder, only this time his power has diminished and FEZZIK starts to slowly collapse.
I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well ... and dream of large women.
And he nimbly scoops up his sword with his foot, catches it and as he dashes off up along the mountain path --
Count Rugen mounted, watches. Behind him, half a dozen armed WARRIORS, also mounted. A GREAT WHITE HORSE waits riderless in front. Humperdinck is all over the rocky ground, and maybe he isn't the best hunter in the world. Then again, maybe he is. Because, as he begins to put his feet into strange positions, we realize that what he is doing is miming the fencers.
There was a mighty duel -- it ranged all over. They were both masters.
Who won? How did it end?
The loser ran off alone.
The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!
Shall we track them both?
The loser is nothing. -- Only the Princess matters --
-- clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Could this be a trap?
I always think everything could be a trap -- Which is why I'm still alive.
And he gallops off --
A PICNIC SPREAD is laid out. A tablecloth, two goblets and between them, a small leather wine container. And some cheese and a couple of apples. The picnic is set on a lovely spot, high on the edge of a mountain path with a view all the way back to the sea.
The Man In Black comes running around the path, sees Vizzini, slows. The two men study each other. Then --
So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.
The Man In Black nods and comes nearer --
If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
And he pushes his long knife harder against Buttercup's unprotected throat.
Let me explain-
-- there's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
There will be no arrangement --
-- and you're killing her!
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains.
You're that smart?
Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Yes.
Morons.
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
For the Princess?
The Man In Black nods.
To the death?
Another nod.
I accept.
Good. Then pour the wine.
As Vizzini fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, the Man In Black pulls a small packet from his clothing, handing it to Fizzini.
Inhale this, but do not touch.
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadlier poisons known to man.
Hmm.
The Man In Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Vizzini, the other in front of himself.
All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?
He studies the Man In Black now.
Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then7
Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Australia.
Yes -- Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?
You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
As Vizzini's pleasure has been growing throughout, the Man In Black's has been fast disappearing.
You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- it won't work --
It has worked -- you've given everything away -- I know where the poison is.
Then make your choice.
I will. And I choose --
And suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black.
-- what in the world can that be?
What? Where? I don't see anything.
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
The Man In Black turns to face him again. Vizzini starts to laugh.
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours.
And he picks up his goblet. The Man In Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to drink, Vizzini hesitates a moment.
Then, allowing the Man In Black to drink first, he swallows his wine.
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed wrong --
-- that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool.
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line."
He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until he falls over dead.
The Man In Black pulls her to her feet.
Who are you?
I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
He starts to lead her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain.
To think -- all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
And with that, he takes off, dragging her behind him.
It's where FEZZIK fought the Man in Black. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL the Prince, kneeling, inspecting every grain of misplaced sand. The others wait behind bim.
Someone has beaten a giant!
There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies.
He leaps onto his horse and they charge off.
The Man In Black comes running into view, still dragging Buttercup, who sometimes stumbles, but he keeps forcing her along. Finally, when she is close to exhaustion, he lets go of her.
Catch your breath.
If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you...
And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He could track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
You think your dearest love will save you?
I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me. That I know.
You admit to me you do not love your fiance?
He knows I do not love him.
"Are not capable of love" is what you mean.
I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.
And the Man In Black cocks back a fist. Buttercup flinches, but does not retreat.
That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own. For where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL the Prince kneeling by the body as the others ride up. The Prince grabs the empty poison packet, hands it to Rugen, after first sniffing it himself.
Iocane. I'd bet my life on it.
And there are the Princess's footprints. She is alive ... or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out.
And as he vaults onto his horse and the all charge off --
Rest, Highness.
I know who you are -- your cruelty reveals everything.
The Man In Black says nothing.
You're the Dread Pirate Roberts; admit it.
With pride. What can I do for you?
You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces.
Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
CLOSE UP - BUTTERCUP, quietly now.
You killed my love.
It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another Prince, like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?
No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.
On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.
You mock my pain.
Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago?
Buttercup nods.
Does it bother you to hear?
Nothing you can say will upset me.
He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
And what am I?
Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring faithfulness. Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
You mocked me once, never do it again -- I died that day!
The Man In Black is about to reply as they stand there on the edge of the sheer ravine. But then something catches his attention and as he stares at it briefly,
You can die too, for all I care!!
There is a long pause. She stands there, alone, as from far below the words come to ber, drifting on the wind --
... as ... you ... wish...
Oh, my sweet Westley; what have I done?
And without a second thought or consideration of the dangers, she starts into the ravine. A moment later, she too is falling, spinning and twisting, crashing and torn, cartwheeling down toward what is left of her beloved.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Prince Humperdinck and the others reining in at the spot where Buttercup promised ransom in exchange for her freedom. The Prince shakes his head.
Disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp.
TWO BODIES lie a few feet apart, not moving. It is, of course, Buttercup and Westley. They might be corpses. After a time, Westley slowly forces his body into motion and as he does,
Can you move at all?
Move? You're alive. If you want, I can fly.
I told you, "I would always come for you." Why didn't you wait for me?
Well ... you were dead.
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
And now, they begin to kiss; it's a tender kiss, tender and loving and gentle and --
Ha. Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp.
We'll never survive.
Nonsense -- you're only saying that because no one ever has.
As they race off, leaving Humperdinck and his men stranded, defeated.
And it really doesn't look any worse than any other moist, sulphurous, infernal horror you might run across. Great trees block the sun.
It's not that bad. I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
THE GIANT TREES, thick and black-green, look ominous as hell and they shield all but intermittent stripes of sun.
A GIANT SPURT OF FLAME leaps up, preceded by a slight popping sound, and this particular spurt of flame misses Westley, but Buttercup is suddenly onfire; at least the lower half of her is and --
Well now, that was an adventure.
He examines where the flames burst over her.
Singed a bit, were you?
You?
He was, and he shakes his head "no." As he pulls her to her feet --
-- and as there's another popping sound,
Well, one thing I will say. The Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.
Buttercup is frozen with fear. He takes her hand, gently kads herforzvard as we-
It's later now, the sun slants down at a slightly different angle.
This will all soon be but a happy memory because Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?
I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.
There is again a popping sound, then a huge spurt of flame. Westley simply picks up Buttercup as they walk along, moves her out of danger, puts her back down, goes right on talking without missing a beat.
You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty.
Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
What? -- go on --
Westley picks her up, carrying her across some swamp water that is bridged by a narrow, rickety tree branch.
Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley.
The two of them have by now crossed the pond.
So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
Buttercup, perplexed, is about to reply but the ground she steps on gives way -- it's Lightning Sand -- a great patch of it, and it has her -- a cloud of powder rises and she sinks into the stuff crying Westley's name but then she is gone as we --
Now nothing can be seen. Nothing at all. Just the lightning sand, lovely and lethal.
HOLD ON THE LIGHTNING SAND -- THEN --
An odd panting sound is heard now. The panting sound is suddenly very loud. And then a giant R.0.U.S. darts into view. The R.0.U.S. -- a Rodent of Unusual Size -- is probably no more than eighty pounds of bone and power. It sniffs around a bit then, as quickly as it has come, it goes.
He hesitates, glances around and
Westley stares back up at the beast. Buttercup is oblivious. Her eyes flutter. He continues to work on her as --
We'll never succeed -- we may as well die here.
No. No. We have already succeeded.
Now THERE ARE TWO R.0.U.S.'s. The have climbed into a nearby tree, stare hungrily down.
I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...
And as he says that, a R.0.U.S. comes flying at him from off-screen.
Westley, pinned under the attacking R.0.U.S., trying to fend it off. Can't. The thing's teeth sink deep into his arm. He howls.
Westley drives a fist into the beast's face, rolling it off. He reaches for his sword just a few feet away, but the R.0.U.S. is back atop him. It's a fierce battle, and just when we think Westley can't possibly win, he flips the ugly rodent clear.
Westley scrambles for his sword. The R.0.U.S. stampedes on, changing its target, heading right for --
Buttercup, and she's scared to death and --
Westley!
Westley abandons his sword, reaching for the rodent, grabbing only a tail, wrestling with it. Buttercup grabs a small branch, and using it as a club, beats the skull of the thing, doing pretty well, but the beast manages to snag her hem with its razor teeth, and she's pulled to the ground, and
The R.0.U.S. collapses dead. Westley stands motionless, exhausted. The danger has passed.
Beyond, a beach.
We did it.
Now, was that so terrible?
Surrender!
It's dusk. Behind Humperdinck are the waters of the bay.
You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
I give you full marks for bravery -- don't make yourself a fool.
Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
I tell you once again -- surrender!
It will not happen!
For the last time -- SURRENDER!
DEATH FIRST!!
Will you promise not to hurt him?
What was that?
What was that?
If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
He is a sailor on the pirate ship "Revenge." Promise to return him to his ship.
I swear it will be done.
Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
I swear it will be done.
I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
Westley is dazed. Silent.
Buttercup tries to speak again, can't, and is swooped off her feet onto Humperdinck's horse, and off they go.
Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.
We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
Well spoken, sir --
Westley is looking at him.
-- what is it?
You have six fingers on your right hand -- someone was looking for you --
Count Rugen clubs Westley hard across the skull. Westley starts to fall -- the screen goes black.
Dank and chill, underground and windowless, lit by flickering torches. Frightening. Westley lies in the center of the cage, chained and helpless.
Dead pale, he silently enters the pit, carrying a tray of food and medication. He puts it down.
Where am I?
The Pit of Despair.
He begins tending Westley's wounds. Westley winces.
Don't even think --
-- don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.
Then I'm here till I die?
Till they kill you. Yeah.
Then why bother curing me?
The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
So it's to be torture.
From the Albino: a nod.
I can cope with torture.
From the Albino: a shake of the head.
You don't believe me?
You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave...
... but nobody withstands The Machine.
He studies Westley, whose face is almost sad.
She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp.
It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Of course.
As they move on,
CAMERA HOLDS ON IT while we hear the Grandfather's voice reading.
The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married.
And if we thought it was packed before, we didn't know how many more could fit in this courtyard. Humperdinck, Rugen and the Queen stand high on the balcony.
And at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.
My father's final words were...
-- hold it. Hold it, Grandpa.
And the scene FREEZES, Humperdinck caught in mid-sentence.
The Kid is half sitting now, not strong yet, but clearly stronger than when we first saw him.
You read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.
I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!
Do you want me to go on with this?
Yes.
All right, then. No more interruptions.
... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.
And on these words,
My father's final words were "love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen. Queen Buttercup.
And on his words,
THE ARCHWAY we saw before, as Buttercup emerges.
Why do you do this?
Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up.
But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.
Your true love lives and you marry another --
-- True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!
She advances on Buttercup now, who is more and more panicked.
It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.
See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?
-- yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up.
It comes to this: I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off.
You returned this Westley to his ship?
Yes.
Then we will simply alert him.
Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
My Westley will always come for me.
I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
And she nods --
The trees are unusual in one respect: all of them are extraordinarily heavily knotted.
Humperdinck and Rugen, walking into the grove of trees.
Your Princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.
They are deeper into the grove now. Rugen is searching around.
Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find.
Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I am starting him on The Machine tonight.
Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, MY wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.
Get some rest -- if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
Rugen smiles and hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place.
Count Rugen, dragging Westley up alongside the thing -- Levers and wheels and wires, you name it, it's there.
Beautiful, isn't it?
It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel.
This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
And he turns the dial to "1".
As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?AND NOW, AT LAST,
Count Rugen watches the tears, then starts to write.
Interesting.
Yellin.
Sire.
As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
My spy network has heard no such news.
Any word from Westley?
Too soon, my angel. Patience.
He will come for me.
Of course.
As she glides out,
She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested.
Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
It won't be easy, Sire.
Try ruling the world sometime.
A lot of hollering is going on. The THIEVES are being rounded up by the BRUTE SQUAD, alarge group of large men. Yellin stands on a wagon in the midst of all the scuffling.
The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.
Is everybody out?
Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Well, you give him some trouble. Move!
And his wagon starts, and as it does,
I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.
He takes a long pull from his brandy bottle. He stops as the Assistant Brute comes into view.
Ho there.
I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there."
But the Prince gave orders --
-- So did Vizzini -- when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Vizzini comes.
You! Brute! Come here.
-- I -- am -- waiting -- for -- Vizzini --
You surely are a meanie.
INIGO feels a hand on his back. A huge hand. He compares it to his own smaller hand.
Hello.
It's you.
True!
And as the Assistant Brute is just about to club Inigo's brains out, FEZZIK lets fly with a stupendous punch.
The Assistant Brute takes the full force of the blow right in the chops. It's like he was shot from a cannon as he careens backwards out of sight across the street.
There is a pause. Then a crunching sound, as he clearly has come in contact with something hard and immobile.
FEZZIK puts Inigo down.
You don't look so good.
You don't smell so good either.
Perhaps not. I feel fine.
Yeah?
And so FEZZIK puts Inigo down. That's when Inigo faints, and as he does,
Inigo sits slumped in a chair, while FEZZIK spoons him some stew.
FEZZIK and Inigo were reunited. And as FEZZIK nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
And he faints again into his stew.
FEZZIK took great care in reviving Inigo.
That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Rugen so I may kill him?
He's with the Prince in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
How many could you handle?
I don't think more than ten.
That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many.
I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
But Vizzini's dead.
No -- not Vizzini -- I need the Man in Black --
-- what? --
-- look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go --
-- where?
To find the Man in Black, obviously.
But you don't know where he is.
Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace.
There will be blood tonight!!
-- strewn with maps, etc. Yellin enters, and kneels.
Rise and report.
The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Double it. My Princess must be safe.
The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
He shows the key, dangling from a chain around his neck. Just at that moment, Buttercup enters.
Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.
The Prince looks at her blankly for a moment.
Every ship but the four you sent.
Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.
Your Majesties.
You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway.
You're a silly girl.
Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
I-would-not-say-such things-if-I- were-you-
Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
And with that he whirls, turns on The Machine, grabs the lever and --
But it's too late as we --
THE DEATH SCREAM. As The Death Scream starts to rise --
It's too crowded.
No one budges and the sound is fading faster.
FEZZIK, gigantic and roaring.
And the Crowd begins to fall away, and he and Inigo start to track the FADING SOUND.
Thank you.
The Albino appears wheeling a barrow.
Where is the Man in Black?
The Albino shakes his head, says nothing.
You get there from this grove, yes?
FEZZIK, jog his memory.
And FEZZIK crunches the Albino on the top of the head as if he had a hammer and was driving in a nail. The Albino drops without a sound.
I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?
Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please.
And now he rises, eyes still closed.
Guide my sword.
FEZZIK, frightened, follows close behind.
Then Inigo stops. For a long moment he stands frozen. Suddenly he whirls, eyes still closed, and the sword strikes home dead center into a knot and --
Nothing. He has failed.
In utter despair he collapses against the tree. Against a knot in the tree. Against THE KNOT in the tree. It slides away, revealing the staircase. FEZZIK and Inigo look at each other, then start down.
He's dead.
Inigo is in despair. For a moment, he just sags.
It just is not fair.
-- Grandpa, Grandpa -- wait --
He is terribly excited and looks stronger than we've yet seen him.
-- wait -- what did FEZZIK mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead.
Westley's only faking, right?
You want me to read this or not?
Who gets Humperdinck?
I don't understand.
Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, somebody's got to do it. Is it Inigo? Who?
Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?
And he desperately fights for control.
You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.
No! I'm okay. I'm okay.
-- sit down. All right?
Okay.
All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Despair.
Well, we Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, FEZZIK. Bring the body.
The body?
Have you any money?
I have a little.
I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
As FEZZIK takes the corpse, follows Inigo up the stairs --
Inigo, FEZZIK, Westley approach the door. They knock. From inside the hovel a little man's voice is heard. If Mel Brooks' 2000 Year Old Man was really old, he'd resemble this guy.
Go away!
Inigo pounds again.
What? What?
Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!
He shuts the window. They rap on the door.
Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
I'm on the Brute Squad.
You are the Brute Squad.
We need a miracle. It's very important.
Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
He's already dead.
He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
He unlocks the door and lets them in.
I've seen worse.
He studies Westley a moment, checking here, checking there.
Sir. Sir.
Hah?
We're really in a terrible rush.
Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Sixty-five.
Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir.
His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar.
I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows?
He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
He goes to get a huge bellows.
He's dead. He can't talk.
Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.
Inigo does. Max inserts the bellows in Westley's mouth and starts to pump.
Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
What's that?
He stops pumping.
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
He starts pumping again.
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
And he presses lightly on Westley's chest.
... tr ... oooo .... luv...
Everybody stares at Westley lying there on the bench.
True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated --
-- Liar -- LIAR-LI-A-A-AR --
VALERIE, an ancient fury, storms out of a back room and toward
-- get back, witch --
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
You never had it so good.
"True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God --
Don't say another word, Valerie.
Why'd you say that name -- you promised me that you would never say that name --
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck --
I'm not listening.
A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --
Nobody's hearing nothing!
Humperdinck. Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
-- But this is Buttercup's true love -- If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
Humperdinck. Humperdinck --
Shut up --
Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Humiliations galore!
That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.
And as Valerie shrieks excitedly we
PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX AND VALERIE, exhausted, looking at the lump with beautific pleasure, as Valerie, cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate. Inigo and FEZZIK stare at the thing too, but more dubiously.
That's a miracle pill?
The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?
An hour.
Yeah, an hour.
A good hour. Yeah.
Inigo accepts the pill as FEZZIK takes Westley, who is stiff as a board now.
Thank you for everything.
Okay.
Bye-bye, boys.
Have fun storming the castle.
Think it'll work?
It would take a miracle. Bye!
Bye.
And as they wave, trying to look happy we --
FEZZIK is thunderstruck by how many Brutes there are. Upset, he turns to Inigo, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Westley against the wall.
Inigo -- there's more than thirty --
What's the difference?
We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.
Has it been fifteen minutes?
We can't wait -- the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.
During this, FEZZIK, using all his strength, has managed to get Westley into a right angled sitting postion, while Inigo brings out the miracle pill.
Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?
Your guess is as good as mine --
I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together.
Guess not very long.
Inigo and FEZZIK react. Westley is the only one not amazed.
Why won't my arms move?
He sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.
You've been mostly dead all day.
We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Who are you? -- Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? -- Where's Buttercup? --
Let me explain --
-- No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.
That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.
He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now.
You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.
I've always been a quick healer.
What are our liabilities?
There is but one working castle gate.
FEZZIK helps Inigo raise Westley just high enough so he can see for himself.
And it is guarded by sixty men.
And our assets?
Your brains, FEZZIK's strength, my steel.
That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...
He shakes his head from side to side.
You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?
My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
Over the Albino, I think.
Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
There we cannot help you.
Will this do?
Where did you get that?
At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
All right, all right. Come on, help me up.
Inigo and FEZZIK do.
Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
Why? You can't even lift one.
True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?
Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
I'll say -- how do I find the Count? -- Once I do, how do I find you again? -- Once I find you again, how do we escape? --
Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.
Right, right, sorry.
Inigo.
What?
I hope we win...
The Prince, fastening a pearl necklace around her.
You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
Should I be?
Brides often are, I'm told.
I do not marry tonight.
My Westley will save me.
-- and Yellin, standing there, flanked by his sixty Brutes.
Westley can't even do that, but after a bit of rocking back and forth, he manages to get enough momentum to catapult his arm over and onto his friend's.
FOUR GUARDS are in position flanking the chapel door.
Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today...
He has an impediment that would stop a clock.
Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam...
And now, from outside the castle, there begins to come a commotion. And then --
YELLINStand your ground, men. Stand your ground.
Stand your ground.
I AM THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS. THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS.
Now?
Not yet.
MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL NOT BE HERE --
Now?
Light him.
THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS TAKES NO SURVIVORS. ALL YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
THE CHAPEL, where The Impressive Clergyman plows on.
... Ven wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever..
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK, turning quickly, giving a sharp nod to Count Rugen, wbo immediately takes off out of the chapel witb the Four Guards as we
FEZZIK, flaming and scary as hell.
THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!
Stay where you are. I said stay where you are!
... so tweasuwe your vruv..
Skip to the end.
As Humperdinck whips out the ring, the screams are very loud outside.
Here comes my Westley now.
FEZZIK, as he pulls off the holocaust cloak.
FEZZIK, the portcullis.
And FEZZIK rushes forward, grabbing the portcullis, which is indeed closing quickly.
FEZZIK grabs the gate: and swings the tonnage back upward. Yellin just watches in fear.
Your Westley is dead.
Buttercup only smiles, shakes her head.
Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
Give us the gate key.
I have no gate key.
FEZZIK, tear his arms off.
Oh, you mean this gate key.
And he whips it out, hands it to FEZZIK.
And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup...
Man and wife -- say man and wife...
Man and wife.
Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite -- I'll be there shortly.
And as he dashes off --
He didn't come.
Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
And as his Warriors attack --
Inigo goes wild, and maybe the Warrior's are good, maybe they're even better than that -- but they never get a chance to show it because this is something now, this is Inigo gone mad and the six-fingered sword has never flashed faster and the FOURTH WARRIOR is dead before the FIRST ONE has even hit the floor. There is a pause. Then --
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
FEZZIK, I need you --
He's getting away from me, FEZZIK. Please. FEZZIK!
I'll be right back.
And he props Westley up against a large suit of armour and takes off toward the intersection where Inigo's voice came from --
Thank you --
And Inigo flies through as FEZZIK heads back to Westley.
Strange wedding.
Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
Buttercup gently stops the King and places a kiss on his forehead. He's very surprised and pleased.
What was that for?
Because you've always been so kind to me. And I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the Honeymoon Suite.
Won't that be nice?
She kissed me...
And on those words --
The room is going white on him.
... Sorry, Father ... I tried ... I tried...
You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.
Inigo sinks.
There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
And Buttercup whirls as we --
Buttercup leaps to the bed, covering him with kisses. Westley is helpless.
Oh, Westley, darling.
Westley, why won't you hold me?
Gently.
At a time like this that's all you can think to say? "Gently?"
Gently!!
And she lets go, thumping his head against the headboard and
Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?
Inigo, struggling feebly, pulling the dagger from his stomach. Holding the wound with his left hand.
Rugen is pushing off from the table, sword in hand, moving in to kill Inigo.
You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day.
Inigo watches the Count approach, and the Count flicks his sword at Inigo's heart, and there's not much Inigo can do, just kind of vaguely parry the thrust with the six-fingered sword and Count Rugen's blade sinks deeply into Inigo's left shoulder.
Inigo doesn't seem to feel it, his other agonies are so much worse.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father; prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Stop saying that!
Inigo drives for the Count's left shoulder now, thrusts home where the Count had gotten him. Then another move and his blade enters the Count's right shoulder, the same spot Inigo was wounded.
HELLO! MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE.
No --
-- offer me money --
And now the six-fingered sword strikes and there is a slash bleeding along one of Rugen's cheeks.
-- yes --
-- power too -- promise me that --
The great sword flashes again, and now there is a parallel slash bleeding on Rugen's other cheek.
-- all that I have and more please --
-- offer me everything I ask for --
-- anything you want --
I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON-OF- A-BITCH!
And on that --
WESTLEY lies as before, not a muscle has moved, his head is still on the headboard, Yellin's sword at his side. Buttercup is alongside the bed; her eyes never leave his face.
Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?
What hideous sin have you committed lately?
I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
It never happened.
What?
It never happened.
But it did. I was there. This old man said, "Man and wife."
Did you say, "I do"?
Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.
Then you're not married -- if you didn't say it, you didn't do it --
-- wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?
A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death.
No.
To the pain.
I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you wart-hog-faced buffoon.
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
HUMPERDINCK gripping his sword, watching.
-- and then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
I wasn't finished -- the next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right --
-- and then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it --
Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why --
-- so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish -- every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
I think you're bluffing --
It's possible, pig -- I might be bluffing -- it's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand -- then again, perhaps I have the strength after all.
And now, slowly, Westley begins to move. His body turns, his feet go to the floor, he starts to stand --
-- DROP YOUR SWORD!
Have a seat.
Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
And as she sets to work --
Where's FEZZIK?
I thought he was with you.
No.
Help him.
Why does Westley need helping?
Because he has no strength --
I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing.
Shall I dispatch him for you?
Thank you, but no -- whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Inigo! Inigo, where are you?
They look at each other, then move to the balcony, and
Ah, there you are. Inigo, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lad -- hello, lad -- so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other.
I guess we just did.
FEZZIK, you did something right.
Don't worry -- I won't let it go to my head.
And as he holds out his great arms,
Westley and Inigo, watching as FEZZIK catches Buttercup.
You know, it's very strange -- I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.
Now from that --
They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...
As Buttercup and Westley begin their ultimate kiss --
The Grandfather stops reading.
What? What?
No, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear it.
I don't mind so much.
Okay.
Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.
The Grandfather snaps the book closed.
Now I think you ought to go to sleep.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.
Grandpa?
Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
As you wish...
And his smile is enough. As The Grandfather steps out the door,
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